|
envy
Saturday, Feb. 08, 2003 - 6:40 p.m.
I realized today that perhaps im not as comfortable as i think i am. yes, i am in an new city, yes i have a new life, but besides the inspirtational moments i've been ranting about, there are some other realities that i have not mentioned. Sometimes when i come home, the silence kills me. When i dont have any homework to do, or i dont want to do it, when i have no more episodes of charmed or sex and the city to watch on my computer, i sit there and i just stare...into space. i get afraid. of what? i dont quite know, but perhaps it has something to do with the fact that i AM still a lone. all alone. I have a new group of friends, but what are they compared to my old ones? you konw how they say that ur true friends are made after 20? well i dont think im ready to deal with that. all my friends in vancouver, im not ready to just give that up, im not ready to say that time was the reason for our eventual distancing. i think i know what jessica was talking about, i try to think otherwise, but there is that fear that lurks inside of me. what if i wake up one day and become this completely different person? i already wake up sometimes an di cant believe anything. i cant believe the happiness, pain, heart ache, excitement, sadness i've already been through in the last month. i've learned os much about myself, i've learned what im capable of doing, and i've learned what i am not capable of doing. thankfully, the capable's out way the incapable's... i dont konw what is happening with john, im scared im going to hurt him, but at the same time, i need that friend, i need someone that close,. and as for joeseph...well wahts wrong with him?? he's handsome, he's smart, he is nice, he's great, he's easy to get along with, he has an awesome fashion sense and he cares for me... whats wrong? he's not daniel..
|